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Buy You A Drink: A Cocktail for Community Fans in Withdrawal
by Ken Walczak
Welcome to Buy You a Drink, where GOOD's resident mixologist offers a free libation to one (or four) thirsty newsmakers each week. This time: Fans of an on-hold Community.
If you possess a functioning internet connection, you’re likely aware that NBC sitcom Community has just begun an extended hiatus. Bloggers and pop culture critics have shouted themselves hoarse over the scheduling decision, ratcheting up their outrage to levels usually reserved for Things Lindsey Lohan Wore to Court Appearances. Not even mild-mannered news sites have managed to stay above the fray. As Cord Jefferson deftly described, passionate denizens of the blogosphere and the Twitterverse paint an overblown picture of the actual number of people watching Community on a weekly basis. But even by conservative estimates, more than 3 million comedy connoisseurs are out there weeping into their replica anus flags this week.
Full disclosure: I’m one of them. I may not own a flag, but I will feel a certain sense of loss on spring Thursdays without Dan Harmon’s study group of misfit matriculators around. And as a card-carrying member of the Save Community movement, I’ve been surprised at the lack of inspiring ideas for a mass mailing campaign along the lines of the peanuts that saved Jericho or the millions of mediocre sandwiches that convinced NBC to throw Chuck a life preserver. That’s probably a good thing, since those campaigns tend to be time-consuming failures—and since the post-sandwich seasons of Chuck have been more like keelhauling a corpse than resurrecting it. But if Community fans are desperate to take action, and if that action must include mailing an assload of something to NBC, here’s my humble suggestion: Seagram’s 7 whisky and 7-Up. Enough to make an assload of Seven and Sevens.
The Call for NBC: An Assload of Seven and Sevens
One million bottles (give or take) Seagram’s 7 Crown Canadian Whisky
One million bottles (give or take) 7-Up
Check laws on shipping booze to Los Angeles from your jurisdiction. Package bottles. Mail to Chairman Bob Greenblatt c/o NBC Entertainment.
Devoted Community viewers will remember that a Seven and Seven is the drink Donald Glover’s Troy orders for his 21st birthday in “Mixology Certification.” He orders it despite the protests of older pals Jeff Winger and Britta, who spend the first half of the episode acting condescendingly toward Troy and one other, and judging everyone's drink orders (an appalling tendency, and one to which I cannot relate in any way).
Troy: “I like beer.”
Britta: “Don’t order beer.”
Jeff: “You’ve had beer.”
Troy: “My Uncle Carl played a big role in my life. Taught me how to throw a football. He passed away this year. His favorite drink was a Seven and Seven.”
Britta: “Don’t order that.”
Jeff: “That’s an awful drink… Horrible.”
Britta: “You’re better than that.”
Jeff: “It’s a high school drink for girls.”
Troy never sips his Seven and Seven. Instead he looks around, sees the damage an evening at the local watering hole has done to Jeff and his other study group pals (they’re all brooding, sulking, bickering, or concocting fanciful personalities to forget their flaws) and opts to escort everyone home instead. Sending NBC an assload of Seven and Sevens would communicate the fans' judgment of its decision ("awful... horrible") while also symbolizing the untapped potential of Community. It would say to NBC: Think of all the drinks we won’t get to have with these characters. Think of all the laughs we’ll miss. Think of the poor GIF makers, deprived of Allison Brie. For God’s sake, think of the children, growing up in a world where crass commercialism trumps artistic merit, and great comedy programming is cut down mercilessly in its prime. Sorry; I still slip into Jeff Winger speeches sometimes.
The Call for Community Fans: A Mixed Drink Worthy of a Full Season Order
Jeff and Britta were right about one thing: While Seagram’s Seven Crown is perfect for buying in bulk and mailing to your adversaries, it’s pretty lousy to actually ingest. And 7-Up advertises itself as “all-natural” while pumping the populace full of high-fructose corn syrup. You actually are “better than that.”
For those winter Thursdays of painful withdrawal, I suggest upgrading to a better brand of Canadian whisky and mixing with just a splash of a cane-sugar soda. I’ve named the resulting mixed drink after Troy and Abed’s adorable rallying cry in support of the lovable-but-doomed residents of TV’s underclass, a cry that Community fans have co-opted as a hashtag for their posts about this damnable hiatus.
Six Seasons and a Movie
1 ½ - 2 oz. Caribou Crossing Single Barrel Canadian whisky
Splash lemon-lime soda (anything with real cane sugar)
Pour whisky into a rocks glass, over a few large hunks of ice. Top with soda. Rewatch the excellent bottle episode where Annie loses her purple pen.
The Six Seasons and a Movie is ideal for sipping while you tweet your angry thoughts about the hiatus. It’s also good Twitter fodder in its own right. Just be sure to use the proper hashtag: “Drank a #SixSeasonsandaMovie. Tried drawing Starburns on Whitney Cummings. Didn’t help me forget hiatus. Ruined new LCD screen.” Perfect.
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